On Jealousy

The first time I remember experiencing jealousy was around age 10. My best friend and I would jump on the trampoline and make silly jokes. Another kid showed up who had a completely different vibe and sense of humor, and I remember feeling threatened that his charm would steal my best friend, and I would be left to jump on the trampoline by myself. I remember hating this new kid, and hoping that he would not steal my best friend. This is my first recollection of the emotion of jealousy. 

More recently I was seeing someone who mentioned that she had a crush on a guy who we both knew in college. This guy had a completely different vibe from me and was cool in ways that I would never be. I immediately felt a rush of hatred for this guy, and fear that if we were all in the same room, she would be more attracted to him than to me. I felt so angry, so weak, so jealous. 

One more example. I work in an office, and am the proud owner of 3 plants that sit on the windowsill in a shared hallway. One of my plants died, so I asked a co-worker if I could transplant a part of her plant into my empty pot. You must know this is no ordinary empty pot, it is a large shapely terracotta pot that I think is the most handsome pot in the entire hallway. I didn't think it would be a big deal for her to simply put some of her plant in my awesome pot, but I was wrong. She said that to prevent shock, the transplant required a smaller pot so that it could take root in a smaller environment and not be subject to excess soil and potential root rot. This was accurate, but she had the audacity to ask for my pot in exchange for her transplant! She proposed that she take my large pot for her growing plant, and give me a smaller pot for my smaller transplant. Are you serious? You think I would let go of the most attractive pot in the entire hallway just for a fraction of your plant? No way! I kindly told her that I would be retaining my gorgeous massive pot and finding a smaller pot myself for the transplant. 

So what does this story have to do with jealousy? 

Well I'll tell you. I'm sure that jealousy is a feeling, it's an emotion. What I'm not sure about is where it comes from. My best guess is that it comes from an idea: the idea of possessiveness. Something like this: "I have an idea that the terracotta pot is my possession, and I am filled with the feeling of jealousy when my co-worker challenges the idea and wants that possession for herself." 

But here's another question, is my owning of the terracotta pot just an idea? Or an actual reality? 

I think objectively it's just an idea, but intersubjectively in our society it's an actual reality. Both matter. I will continue to respect everyone's private property, and won't be be stealing anyone's stuff based on the premise that "it's just an idea, man". At the same time I can acknowledge that after my death all my possessions will immediately be up for grabs- revealing that during my life, the stuff was never objectively "mine". 

Philosophy class over! Now let's take a look at some jealousy history.

Not all humans have behaved the same way regarding possessions. In the book Kabloona, Gontran de Poncins traveled in 1939 to the Arctic and lived among the Eskimos. He observed that they had a very different view on possessions and jealousy. They were a communal culture that shared everything- whether that was your igloo, your cache of fish, your snow-knife, or your wife.  

"He is not jealous, then? No. And the reason may be that jealousy is a function of the sense of individual property; and he has this sense, if at all, in the very faintest degree. You enjoy his wife? What harm can come to him of that? If what you intend was to take from him his wife, deprive him of this essential human and social factor (not property), that would be serious and he would not hesitate to kill you. But to lie with her? Not only is that no deprivation, but it allows him to lie with other women- and that is extremely agreeable."

I have heard many complaints that our culture is too individualistic, that we are harming ourselves through isolation. But how could we change when our environment is perfectly set up for us to isolate? We don't have igloos and freezing wind forcing us to come together by the seal oil lamp and eat musk ox fat. 

So how can we pull out of an individualist tailspin driven by capitalist incentives towards a dystopian cliff? Not sure! What I am sure of is that jealousy is an emotion, a feeling, and that if I can survive some feelings of jealousy, I can be better at sharing. And sharing is not individualistic.