Intimacy is Sharing

What is Intimacy?

In a non-sexual context, intimacy can look like a conversation, a shared meal, a hug. And that's pretty much it. We don't say, "I shared intimacy with Darren", if all you did was have a meal, talk about struggles and joys, and then hug. You would say, "we hung out". But I would argue that intimacy was shared whether we say that word or not..... bro.

So what about a sexual context? "I shared intimacy with Darren" would mean that you had sex, right? Wrong. You can have intimacy with Darren sexually or non-sexually- we already covered this! Cmon! :) So yeah you actually can have sexual intimacy with Darren if you want to and he wants to- and that would mean you engage in the physical act of sex. 

But what I'm interested in is not so much in the physical act of sex (not interested in that at all, ever) but in what is happening at the psychological level. GIF

Intimacy in both sexual and non-sexual contexts always involves sharing- but in sexy time, you’re not just sharing a meal with your clothes on at a restaurant, this time Darren is naked, and you’re wearing your underwear and asking yourself “is this a good idea?”, “how long will this last?”, and “do I smell okay?”. This time you’re not just sharing an appetizer of spring rolls, you’re sharing the entree of your body. Sexual intimacy involves bringing yourself to someone to be seen, felt, smelled, and tasted. "You have been accepted!", is the message that lights up on the circuit board of your brain, and this is arguably the best feeling in the world.

So what do you do once the sex is over? What do you do when that message blinks off the screen, and you’re thinking about tomorrow? Well….. that’s a good question- most people go about their business and wait for the next time to have sex- and thus the human race advances. GIF

So intimacy is sharing- sharing your body and mind with someone, and it feels good. But there’s bad news- the coin of intimacy has two sides- acceptance and … dun, dun, dun- REJECTION! Nooooooooooooooooo! This is possibly the worst feeling in the world, and can cause people to do terrible awful things to themselves and others. In a perfect world the coin of intimacy would have acceptance on both sides, but that world doesn’t exist, and can only be found temporarily at music festivals (I thought this was true, but it’s not true, i’m sorry). This world doesn’t exist anywhere, and the possibility of rejection is present in every moment always even if you’re married (yes even if you’re married you can still reject or get rejected- hear this unmarried people!). 

So basically, I want intimacy, and I think everyone does. Most people want to share, and I think that’s a normal thing to want, but it’s scary. It’s scary in friendship and it’s scary in romance. So in the face of the possibility of rejection, how do we engage in relationship? I’m not really sure, I’m just another guy, buttttttttt I have been practicing, and it’s been going okay. I’ve been sharing, giving and receiving, trusting and retreating, healing old wounds and creating new ones, and overall learning. Intimacy is sharing.