I Have an Eating Disorder!

 


March 2nd, 2022  

11:30 AM - I have felt hungry for about an hour, using the promise of a future meal to get through my not-fun-but-must-do-chores.  

11:35 AM - I finish an adequate amount of work and break for the well-deserved meal.

11:50 AM - I leave the kitchen holding a steaming bowl of oatmeal containing: 1 cut-up apple, 1 cut-up banana, toasted sesame seeds, cinnamon, and ginger. 

12:00 Noon - THE LAST BITE arrives and in my head I think, "this is the last bite, what a delicious and well-balanced meal, I am a healthy person".

12:01 PM - I'm in the kitchen semi-frantically throwing leftover turkey, cornbread, more sesame seeds, and 4 dates into the previously empty bowl.

12:05 PM - I finish the "dessert" and think, "that was nice, a little extra, but now I will return to my work".

12:06 PM - Scooping into the bowl the rest of the turkey and cornbread; adding sesame seeds, 4 more dates, and a banana. 

12:10 PM - I'm depressed, but equally high on the binge, the panicked-momentum, the pulsing, terrified-pleasure. 

12:11 PM - In the kitchen, nothing fresh left to consume, a can-opener opens a tube of pumpkin puree, and a half-empty package of dates follows me back into my room. Hand to mouth.

12:15 PM - The body eventually starts sending signals that we can slow down, the war is over, we don't need to keep going much longer. I cover 3 more dates in buttery-orange-pumpkin-spread, and once they're gone I relax into my chair, stare at my sticky hand, and contemplate my misbehavior. 


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"Binge Eating Disorder" (BED), also known as "Compulsive Eating" is what I have been secretly doing for years (I have not been diagnosed by a clinician).

Here is a research paper that explains the 3 most common eating disorders in the United States: Anorexia Nervosa (AN), Bulimia Nervosa (BN), and Binge Eating Disorder (BED). 
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3409365/ 

"Eating disorders of all kinds are often characterized by secrecy" -Susan Burton
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/personal-history/the-way-i-ate 

Strategy: for the next 30 days, after THE LAST BITE I will start a 30 minute timer, after which, I can eat again if I want to. (7/05/23 --> update, that strategy worked well, and posting this blogpost helped a lot too... shame = secrecy = shame = addiction,  so posting this short-circuited the cycle by not having secrecy any more. )

Also: "15 Helpful Tips to Overcome Binge Eating"  https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/how-to-overcome-binge-eating#TOC_TITLE_HDR_4 

OA: https://oa.org/find-a-meeting/page/2/?type=1&sort=ASC&timezone=EST&limit=20&submit=true  

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